“God help me,” she cried; her forehead against the tile. She was huddled on the bathroom floor, heart pounding. Throat, raw.

“This is going to kill me.”

This is a story I’ve heard time and again, and one that I know all too well, myself. It is an experience of women with eating disorders, in moments of deep hopelessness and despair. It can be the pivotal moment in which all things fall apart, a moment of knowing on a deep spiritual level:

I may die if I don’t get help.

In this week of national eating disorder awareness, I offer a very personal statement in the hopes that this will reach whoever needs to hear it: your eating disorder does not mean that you are less than or broken. It can actually offer you some of life’s greatest gifts.

Eating Disorders Can Offer Gifts | Jodi Rose Gonzales

*Inside you there’s an artist you don’t know about…say yes quickly, if you know, if you’ve known it from before the beginning of the universe.* -Jalai Ud-Din Rumi
The pivotal moment in my recovery was realizing that my eating disorder offered some life’s greatest gifts. It gave me the hard-won lesson of how to live life with authenticity and purpose.

My Story

I was born in Wisconsin, and raised in a small rural community. My parents were both public servants: my father was a game warden, and my mother worked as the County’s emergency government coordinator.

I am their only child. While my parents did their best to provide, and we were considered a close-knit family, the stresses of their work took a toll. My father’s job placed him in volatile cases and I can remember numerous times when my family received death threats.

Today, we know that chronic stress affects the development of a child; we also know that children of law enforcement and military members have markedly higher rates of mental health issues compared to the general population. In me, that manifested as an eating disorder late in my teens.

Eating disorders are nasty diseases, but in mine I found some incredible gifts. It was at treatment when I was 19 that I was exposed to art therapy, yoga, and profound contemplation as I was asked by my team to dig deeply into my spiritual beliefs. In that time and space I explored what it meant to live with authenticity, connection to nature, and creativity.

Five Gifts from an eating disorder

Recovery is an up-and-down, forward-and-back sort of thing. I struggled for years. For a long while, I did the “dry-drunk” version of healing: curbing behaviors, meanwhile suppressing and powering past my core issues. Graduate school, and becoming an art therapist, really changed all that. Early in my career, I was the art therapist and primary therapist at a residential treatment facility for women and teens with eating disorders. My recovery was brought to entirely new levels as I watched the women before me transform: not because they were restoring weight or shifting out of the hook of the disease, but because they were connecting to their souls again. It was like watching the most beautiful of sunrises—absolutely awe-striking and beautiful—to witness human beings come into spirit again.

It was during this time that I embraced my eating disorder for having offered some of life’s greatest gifts:

Attune and Attend. When the E.D. voice (or urge) flairs up, it’s not something to be wrestled with. It’s telling you that there is an emotion to be dealt with, a boundary to attend to, or some sort of conflict that needs to be resolved. The choice is to wrestle with the urges, possibly fall victim to E.D., or pay attention and deal with whatever is coming up. Over time, E.D. teaches you to attune and attend, which most people don’t have the skills (or take the time) to do.
Trust the True Self. Recovery is a long process of untangling from the limiting beliefs and self-talk associated with E.D. The byproduct of this is the concurrent exploration of who am I, really, without the voice of ED? The healing journey is one of coming back to that question, again and again, and living as the expression of your answers.
Authenticity and Purpose. The discipline of consistent self-observation, tuning-in, detaching from knee-jerk emotional reactions, attending, and living life as intentional self-expression is nothing short of a spiritual journey. This is an ancient practice described by the yoga gurus as the mindful path to the True Self, which offers a life of authenticity and purpose.
Resilient and Elevated. When you know what your triggers and boundaries are (and you have tools and supports to keep you centered), and you know who YOU are, AND you are living as an expression of your authentic True Nature, you are empowered to take life to the next level in whatever way you choose. You know exactly how far to take yourself safely outside of your comfort zone, meanwhile cultivating your resilience with compassion and grace.
Life is Art; Live True. An empowered recovery requires sustained spiritual/wellness practices—these, resulting in a unique and meaningful life. You realize that life itself is an art form.

The blessing and the curse of diseases like eating disorders are that they flair up when you’re out of alignment with yourself: when boundaries are broken, when you’re stretched too thin, when you’re too far outside of your comfort zone. I chose to look at these as sign-posts and a gift: that my triggers were simply mirrors guiding me back to myself. Recovery, then, informed an adventurous and accomplished life: one lived with great intention (and discipline) towards thriving as a leader and as the creative expression of my true self.

Courage LieS Within YOU

Many people feel uncomfortable thinking of themselves as artists. In our culture we think artists write books, paint pictures, take photographs, dance, or make music.

In truth, each of us is an artist. Sarah Ban Breathnach says “An artist is merely someone with good listening skills who accesses the creative energy of the Universe to bring forth something on the material plane that wasn’t here before.”

From ether to matter, we move ideas into something tangible. Whether or not you are in any form of recovery, accept that you are creating a work of art that is yourself. Imagine yourself embodied within your fullest potential. What does the masterpiece of your life look like? What new action (or non-actions) make the brushstrokes that create depth, clarity or perspective to your self-image? What risks can you take to shape the vessel of your life, in the way a potter’s hands shape clay into a form?

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please know it’s not about body image, or the food. Get help. Embrace the path to wellness. Your entire beautiful life lies ahead.