The scent of horse filled my nostrils, branches snagged at my face. I was on horseback in middle Tennessee, in a long line of other trail riders. I longed to ride free.
“How did I get stuck in this rat race?” I asked Frank, the bay gelding who plodded slowly and steadily along. He shook his head, flapping his lips while heaving a great sigh.
Thus begins the story of I having lost myself to creative block and imposter syndrome… and how I found my way back, ten years later. It is the context behind a 22-foot moss sculpture; it is also the origins of art-based mindfulness as I now teach it.
Jodi Rose Gonzales - Tennessee, 2008
In 2008, I was considered a successful artist. I had completed multiple grant-funded installations, numerous artist residencies, and my work was represented in several renowned galleries. Inside, I experienced crushing self-doubt and anxiety, which led to a decade of solid creative block and a loss of my sense of Self.
Artist, Off the Path
I was on a short stay-cation, taking a break from a job that was crushing my soul--and in all honesty, a relationship that was doing about as much emotional damage. Just a few years earlier I had been a successful independent artist, having completed numerous artist residencies. My jewelry lines were featured in several renowned galleries. I lived life on my terms, unapologetic, and loved every minute of it.
The recession had changed all that, and I found myself struggling to get by. Grant funding organizations had dried up, no one wanted to buy silver jewelry for what it was worth, and I was exhausted from the hustle. I also wanted to be a more “credible” artist…and I had some limiting beliefs about success: after all, no one makes a real living at art (unless they’re really lucky), right?
My attempts to uplevel had largely failed, in part because I had narrowed my focus to a single line of western jewelry (designed by my head and not my heart), and more largely because I had crushing imposter syndrome. I had overwhelming fears about putting myself “out there” in the world. I was ashamed to hire for business advice (and also didn’t know where to start), and I was broke.
Artist, Lost
All of a sudden, Frank stumbled. Having been in my head and not present to the situation, I was almost thrown. In the grasping moment of trying to stay saddled, I had a revelation: I needed to become Cowgirl Rose.
Cowgirl Rose was an alter-ego character that informed my new westernwear line, and it was the name of my jewelry label. In my imagination, she was a free-spirited artist who traveled the West on horseback, living out incredible adventures. The more I focused on creating work under an intellectualized vision of what she represented, the further I had drifted from work that represented me. In my desperate attempt to become a more credible artist, I had become a mere shell of one. In fact, I had left a community where I was well known and respected, to live far in the back country—and now in a day job that just didn’t fit.
Cowgirl Rose represented a form of future-self. What would life look like if I made choices through her lens? I realized I needed to be Cowgirl Rose, not dream about living like her.
“Frank, I’ve made a decision!” I announced. He lifted his nose, eyed back at me, and nodded.
Toeing the Path
At the end of the ride, I grabbed my backpack and hit a nearby hiking trail. I didn’t have a map, and that trail quickly receded. Pausing to consider my direction, I reached into my bag for water, and paused. There, in the backpack, was a Kripalu catalog.
Kripalu is North America’s largest yoga retreat facility. I had dreamt about going there for years, but had plenty of excuses not to. I’m not spiritual enough. I’m not strong or flexible enough. I don’t know enough about yoga. Always…not enough.
That day, having decided to be a bit more like Rose (Courageous! Adventurous!) than like me (Afraid!), I decided to take a big risk: I called Kripalu and booked a week long retreat. I did it right there and then, from that spot on the trail in the forest, and I never looked back.
Artist Makes Progress
I loved my time at Kripalu. On the last day, I learned about a three-month volunteer program called Seva. I applied, feeling like it was a bit of a life-ring, and from several hundred applicants, I was selected. Three months later I packed my belongings and left Tennessee, beginning a new journey dedicated to stripping away all of the various limiting beliefs I held about me. At Kripalu, I removed snow and worked on the grounds crew, meanwhile studying with various yogic thought leaders like Stephen Cope, Larissa Hall Carlson, Micah Mortali, and Guru Singh. I learned that deepening my practice was not about getting deeper into the poses…it was about learning to practice all of yoga’s eight limbs, and doing most of the practices off of the mat.
During my time at Kripalu, another thing happened: I completed grad school. My art therapy diploma arrived. One day, towards the end of seva, I received notification from a colleague in Arizona: Are you interested in working for us? We have a job in a rural community that would be great for you.
And just like that, a new chapter began.
Artist, Conflicted
Life in Arizona was a dream come true, but unfortunately the storyline repeated. I moved through several jobs that emptied my cup--instead of filling it. While I experienced some incredible leadership opportunities that allowed me to grow exponentially as a clinician and a person, I still felt disconnected from myself. I felt chronically anxious and depressed. I still had massive creative block, and crushing doubt about becoming a working artist again.
Jodi Rose Gonzales - Casa Grande, AZ, 2010
Life in the desert was empowering: it dried the tears of a lot of old wounds, and left me all the better for it. Still, I was creatively blocked.
I wondered: why was this Girl in the Woods still so removed from her true creative nature?
Having completed a yoga teacher training with Swami Mahatarananda in Tucson, I now had a dedicated practice of teaching at several locations. I one day found myself at a yoga retreat with Darren Rhodes. Consistent practice at his studio had really brought me to a new level of insight, self-awareness, and inner strength (later I will explain why yoga has been the single most important thing to becoming a better artist). I was then working on a new business plan, towards reclaiming my inner artist. Also towards reviving my creativity, I had set up a makeshift workspace under a tent in my backyard.
On day two of the retreat, Darren asked an important question, and provided space for reflection:
What is your contribution to hatha yoga?
Again, a thunderbolt moment. I knew that my contribution was to uniquely combine visual art, art therapy, and yoga into one unique program. On that day, I claimed it.
Artist, Reconnected
It had all started with a few doodles before and after yoga (asana) practice, and a system I developed during my YTT (yoga teacher training). I taught the system all over Tucson, not just at traditional studios (including Darren’s, Yoga Oasis) but at residential treatment facilities, the VA hospital, and patients with HIV/AIDs. I knew the system was powerful.
But, more largely than that, I had been using art therapy techniques while writing my business plan—to help me get out of the way of myself--and while also doing a heck of a lot of yoga. As a result, I had developed a new system, one that used creativity and mind-body connection to address the inner criticism and put it in its right place. The system also helped me manage my stress and anxiety. I was feeling hopeful and more creative.
In earnest, I began to answer Darren’s question. The answer was larger than contributing to hatha yoga, but also to art therapy, and mostly to society itself. Now, more than ever, I believe that we need people to awaken to their creativity. This is what I am currently doing, through my artwork and role as a helping professional. Art-based mindfulness is the system I developed as a result.
Today, I have two art studios and a thriving art therapy practice. I’ve published two Amazon #1 new releases, a deck of art therapy journal prompt cards, and an app that houses plenty of free resources…as well as a curated collection of the most powerful techniques that I offer.
Lost and Found, Moss Wall by Jodi Rose Gonzales
You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As you desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny
Da, da, da! Be self controlled! Give! Be compassionate!
From the Forest of Wisdom,
Brihadaranyaka Upanishad, translated by Eknath Easwaran
On or Off the Path: That IS the path
The moss wall at Enclave is a representation of the yogic path. It speaks to the journey that we’re all on, whether we ascribe to yoga philosophy or not. Presented as a bird’s eye view of a winding path in the woods, it represents the round-and-round mental patterns that keep us stuck in jobs and relationships that don’t really fit. It represents moving from depression and disconnect, through the falling away of old versions of ourselves (through intention and practice), to a new, inspired experience of alignment, contentment, connection, and peace within.
Inside the 8 Keys mini-course you’ll find audio meditations, fourteen art prompts, a practice guide, and additional resources to support your art-based mindfulness practice. The 8 Keys is FREE and housed inside Jodi’s app, True Natured Creatives. Available in your Apple or Google Play stores, or explore it online here.
Jodi Rose Gonzales ATR, NCC, ERYT, YACEP is an artist, art therapist, author and yoga teacher who helps creative people unlock their full potential. Get her free mini-course called Creative Freedom: Eight Essential Keys to Inspiration, HERE.